


Roses

by orphan_account



Category: NCT (Band), WAYV
Genre: Dead People, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hendery lost a loved one and is in mourning, Lost Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-28
Updated: 2020-02-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:00:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22939069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Hendery lost his loved one and has to learn to live without him and move on.
Relationships: Wong Kun Hang | Hendery/Xiao De Jun | Xiao Jun
Kudos: 10





	Roses

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is really short and kinda sad(? but I really wanted to write something based on this [song](https://open.spotify.com/track/2NjdwnC1ph81hCTBWeyy05?si=MvK1fcPMTT-SuJnTngDyVQ) (I highly recommend to listen to it while reading this)

"Are you sure you don't want to go out with us? We can go for a drink and distract ourselves for a while" Kun asked Hendery for the third time that day, and for the third time the boy refused, he knew that his friends were trying to make him feel better, but it was very difficult for him, for now he just wanted to be alone.

  


"Yes, I'm sure," with a forced smile, he added "and thanks, for everything, maybe next time we can all go out together."

  


"Anytime, Hen, remember we're here for you, just call us, okay?" Ten patted him on the shoulder and Lucas said goodbye with a bear hug, before leaving the dance studio and heading off in different directions.

  


Hendery was very grateful to have such good friends, but Fridays were a special date and he needed to do something to keep the memory alive.

  


***

It was a tradition every Friday to stay home and watch a movie together, cuddling on the couch while eating pizza or whatever they wanted that day.

  


"Today would be our fifth anyversary together. Time flies, don't you think, Junnie?" Hendery was on the couch using Dejun's favorite hoodie, the one he kept secret and still had his scent, wrapped in the pastel blue blanket the older boy had chosen when they bought the things they needed for the apartment both boys had bought.

  


Hendery had lost count of how many times he had seen "Frozen", whenever Xiaojun had to choose a movie, Hendery knew in advance what his choice would be. Now he knew the dialogues by heart, as did his boyfriend, although they could no longer recite them together.

  


"I would have loved for you to be here to watch the second part with me, maybe someday I'll watch it and go to discuss it with you."

  


After receiving the Chinese food he had ordered, he stared at the plate for a few moments, thinking.

  


"I miss those nights when we were together, just the two of us, the secrets we didn't dare say out loud, the dreams we shared and plans we had for the future. I miss you, every night I hope that you will come home, that you will hold me and say that everything will be all right, that we will always be together, that you will kiss me at night and we will have breakfast together, I miss our silly fights and our reconciliations, I miss your pile of dirty clothes next to the washing machine and the Sundays we used to clean our apartment, I miss our routine, I miss you. God, I miss you so much that I would give anything to be with you again. I hope and expect you to come back, but you never do, you never will."

  


That day Hendery couldn't finish watching the movie, tears came to his eyes in the first minutes, and they didn't stop until he had no more strength and fell asleep on the couch, hugging the blanket as if his life depended on it, as if he was holding all the memories with it, of a part of his life that he didn't want to forget.

  


***

"Mr. Huang Guan Heng, please sign these papers to finalize the sale of the apartment, the new buyer is in no hurry to move in, so you have enough time to vacate the place."

  


Hendery did the right thing and during the following days his friends helped him to pack his things, to throw away a certain blue toothbrush that was next to his and that nobody had used since a year and a half ago, they helped him to donate the hoodie -now worn out- that he had used so much in his apartment and to get rid of the blanket that had dried so many tears. It was difficult, very difficult, but he was trying, he needed to move on. He knew that Xiaojun wouldn't want to see him like that, he loved to see Hendery smiling, always happy and cheerful, he needed to be himself again, he couldn't let sadness consume him. As long as someone lives in your memories and in your heart, they will always be by your side, is a phrase that his therapist constantly repeated to him, and it had helped him to remain firm in his decision to move on.

  


After a few months he accepted his friends' offer to move in with them, they had an extra room so they could split the expenses. He knew that they wanted to help him and he had already refused too much, don't be afraid to accept help, don't be afraid to forget because you are trying to move on, _because you won't forget, he'll always be by your side,_ that was another advice from his therapist and he tried to listen to it, he knew that it was not healthy to continue living alone and even less so in a place that constantly reminded him of everything he had lost.

  


Things are going to get better, slowly, but they will, you've taken the first steps, Hendery, that means you can progress even further, become someone Junnie would be proud of. With that in mind, Hendery ended up putting the boxes in his friends' car, asking them to go ahead, since he had to go somewhere before completing the move.

  


  


"Relax, I'm not going to do anything stupid, I just... I want to say goodbye, like I never did, okay? See you guys at the apartment in a bit." 

  


His friends looked at him worried, but they didn't say anything, they knew it was something Hendery needed to do, so they said goodbye with encouraging words and let him go in the direction of the cemetery."

  


***

  


The wind was blowing hard and the leaves were moving silently around the tombstones on the ground, when he found the one with the name of his beloved, Hendery sat down in front of it and took a deep breath.

  


"Hi, Junnie, it's me, Dery. I...I'm so sorry about what happened," tears began to to come out of his eyes, but he had already began to speak, he had already come so far, he needed to do this, he needed to close this stage, to heal a wound that was open a long time ago, he needed to rebuild his life. "I know it took me a long time to come to see you, but I did not feel ready, I missed you too much, I still do, and I know I always will, but the pain was too strong, too raw. Over time I've learned to heal, I'm going to therapy, can you believe it? And it has really helped me, now I understand that I shouldn't feel guilty about what happened, neither of us was to blame: you were using my car, yes, but it was the fault of that drunk man who crashed into you," Hendery's voice broke and he took a moment before continuing, "but at last he's in jail, he's going to pay for what he did, although that's not going to bring you back to life - the boy let out a silent sob and then breathed slowly, as he had been taught - but I know I can't do anything to change that, I must learn to live without you, it's difficult, very difficult, but little by little I'm succeeding. I'll never forget you, be sure of that, but I need to continue with my life, I know that is what you would've wanted for me to do. I have already made a couple of advances, I moved in with the boys and little by little I am driving again, I must overcome that trauma with cars. I'm also going to talks with people who lost their loved ones, I met a lady who lost her 2 daughters in a fire and a man who lost his parents in an assault on his home, sharing our stories has helped me to understand that I'm not the only one who is suffering, and hearing how they have learned to deal with their losses gives me hope that I can do it too, for you, for me, for us.

I know that we will never be able to concrete our plans, we won't be able to adopt twins or have 3 cats, we won't buy a big house with a pool or have a big wedding and invite our friends and getting old together, and that hurts a lot, it was very hard for me to accept, but little by little I am doing it, because I need to move on with my life, I need to be happy, like I was supposed to be with you. I'm going to be happy for both of us, and I hope you are too, wherever you are. 

  


Xiaojun, Junnie, my love, I will always love you with all my heart, I promise to live my best life, for both, for you and me, I wish you the best and I hope you remember me with as much love as I do. 

Farewell, my love."

  


After that, Hendery stood up, kissed the red roses he had in his hands and placed them on the grave, bowed and, after whispering one last "I love you," slowly walked away, not looking back, the same way he had come in. After so much time in mourning, it was time to turn the page and move on with his life, and he was ready to fulfill the promise he had made to Xiaojun: he was going to try to be happy, for both of them, he was going to give his best to move on and bear the pain that would always be in his heart, but the love he felt for Xiaojun was bigger, and that is how he wanted to remember him, with love, not with sadness. 

  


This was the time to rebuild his life.

  


  


**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
